Skip to main content

← Back to Shanghai

MMXX

The Church of

Slieve Donard

Patron Saint of Questionable Decisions

The Church / Bank / Decentralized Autonomous Cult of Slieve Donard

Hail Slieve!

The Founding

The Church of Slieve Donard was founded, as most true things are, on a late night. The city was Shanghai. The details are contested, which is fitting. What is agreed on is that a mountain in Northern Ireland came up in conversation, that fealty was declared before dawn, and that by morning the Church, the Bank, and the Decentralized Autonomous Cult had been named as one.

No cornerstone was laid. No manifesto was drafted. A patron saint was recognized. The Doctrine, being open, began accumulating from that moment.

Hail Slieve.

The Sacred Tenets

Seven, drawn from the mythology.

  1. 01

    The Doctrine Is Open

    Anyone may receive a Teaching. Anyone may contribute one. Ordination is not required, nor is sobriety. If the mythology arrives, transcribe it and send it in. The Doctrine grows by accretion, not by decree.

  2. 02

    Hail Slieve

    The utterance of his name shall be followed, wherever practicable, by the salutation. Hail Slieve. This holds in living rooms, on the metro, in group chats, and at the founding of new chapters.

  3. 03

    October 28th

    Is New Year's Day. Is also Slieve's birthday. The calendar cooperates when it can and is politely ignored when it cannot.

  4. 04

    Questionable Decisions Are Patron Territory

    Slieve is the Patron Saint of Questionable Decisions. To make one, and to keep making them in the direction of joy, mischief, or absurd public-space theatre, is to walk in his tradition.

  5. 05

    Absurdity Is A Discipline

    The Cult is not a joke about being serious. It is a discipline about staying open to the truly strange. The 79-day tennis match is not comic relief. It is the actual practice.

  6. 06

    Praise Be To His Eternal Vintage

    Slieve, like wine, gets better with age. So do the events, the friendships, the running jokes across the chapters. Nothing that matters is instant.

  7. 07

    The Mountain Awaits

    The pilgrimage is not a question of if, only when. Living in accordance with the Doctrine is, in the meantime, sufficient. The mountain is patient.

The Ecclesiastical Hierarchy

The Cult is decentralized in principle and, in practice, populated. The mythology names the following. There are others.

Patron Saint Slieve Donard
Eternal. Omniscient with keys-related exceptions. Never taken an elevator. Currently wearing whichever hairstyle marks the present Slievean Era.
The Younger Brother Slieve Gullion
Several infinities junior. Not a twin. Prickly since the Lightning Chariot split. Do not conflate.
Bassist Lesser Cairn
Rhythm section of Lightning Chariot during the Bronze Age. Present at the split. Whereabouts since: unclear.
Initiate Brother Bull
Inducted by ceremonial arm wrestle. Lost to a single finger. Nonetheless, welcomed.
Chronicler Javier McNamara
Recipient of the Miracle of the Restored Laptop Sound. Present at the ceremonial rug-pull of 145 participants that followed.
The Faithful You, possibly
If you have received a Teaching, you are already contributing. If you have not yet, you may still. The Cult has no formal roll.

Ritual and Ceremony

Every ritual traces back to a Teaching. Nothing is invented. Everything is remembered.

The Collected Teachings and Blessings of Slieve Donard

The ongoing mythology, forty-one entries. Collected.

  1. 0. Legend says that Slieve once brought the Sun down to the Earth in order to toast marshmallows. This holy icon, captured just after that moment, was later used for his holiest of EPs.
    Hail Slieve.
  2. 1. Slieve Donard, although never particularly fond of the game, found himself in a 79-day match of tennis with Lao Tzu. They only volleyed once.
    Hail Slieve.
  3. 2. Slieve Donard is known by cultures around the world. His Chinese name is 手斗斗 (shǒu dòu dòu) which translates roughly to "He whose hands are strong enough to hold two buckets in one."
    Hail Slieve.
  4. 3. Slieve Donard's first legal spouse was an Asteroid named Khudpiyapul. They divorced in 1961.
    Hail Slieve.
  5. 4. Slieve Donard once traveled to the center of the Earth, only to discover that it was, in fact, extremely cold. He had not been dressed appropriately for the affair.
    Hail Slieve.
  6. 5. It is said that Slieve traveled backward through time, surfing the flames of the apocalypse to rejoin us in the present and bring with him a vision of a flameless future. After his famous apocalyptic flame-surfing session, Slieve Donard is said to have gone straight to the Bronx for a slice of $1 pizza with his disciples.
    Hail Slieve.
  7. 6. Slieve Donard, among his many miracles, is also credited with the foundation of the first-ever kindergarten just over 10,375 years ago. The students were all Mastodons.
    Hail Slieve.
  8. 7. Slieve Donard was once asked rudely to "take a seat." He ran off with a lawn chair before vanishing into thin air.
    Hail Slieve.
  9. 8. Slieve once, in one of his more famous miracles, apparently turned water into a hoppy pilsner.
    Hail Slieve.
  10. 9. Slieve was apparently in a rock band called "Lightning Chariot" during the Bronze Age.
    Hail Slieve.
  11. 10. Slieve Donard was said to be responsible for the conceptual design for all but two of the animal species. The one to figure out which two is said to win $1 million.
    Hail Slieve.
  12. 11. Legends say that there were Legends of Slieve Donard long before even the Legends of Slieve Donard. Legendary.
    Hail Slieve.
  13. 12. Slieve Donard spent a period of his youth building mountains from red clay. He is credited with the creation of at least 15 mountains.
    Hail Slieve.
  14. 13. Slieve once cracked his knuckles so hard that the cliff face he was standing on broke sharply and suddenly, crashing into the Atlantic Ocean.
    Hail Slieve.
  15. 14. For some unknown number of the Eras of Donard, his followers thought him to be, in part, a machine. This is only sometimes, drunkenly disputed.
    Hail Slieve.
  16. 15. People sometimes say that getting Deja Vu in a nightmare indicates that Slieve Donard has just returned from a ritual voyage to the moon.
    Hail Slieve.
  17. 16. Slieve Donard stole a mountain, but gave it away and emerged a saint.
    Hail Slieve.
  18. 17. Contrary to popular opinion, New Year's Day is actually October 28th.
    Hail Slieve.
  19. 18. Slieve's birthday is October 28th.
    Hail Slieve.
  20. 19. Slieve Donard is said to have cited "creative differences" with his younger brother, Slieve Gullion, and good friend Lesser Cairn just before the split of "Lightning Chariot." Lesser Cairn played the bass.
    Hail Slieve.
  21. 20. Slieve Donard has been known to become uncontrollably excited when presented with strawberry-flavored Oreos during late-night television binges. "It's Shnack Time."
    Hail Slieve.
  22. 21. Despite his omniscience, Slieve Donard admits to regularly forgetting where he has put his keys.
    Hail Slieve.
  23. 22. At the age of 14, Slieve Donard successfully used Capoeira to fend off a group of aggressive howler monkeys attempting to use an expired handicap parking pass at Macy's.
    Hail Slieve.
  24. 23. Slieve Donard smoked his first cigarette in 1549, behind the school with Tommy Reynolds, setting historical precedence for a generation of rebellious 80s films just over 400 years later.
    Hail Slieve.
  25. 24. After swimming with dolphins in Indonesia, Slieve spent several Eras living underwater with a colony of blue whales in the South China Sea. During this time, he famously de-escalated some very tense political situations during and after the Battle of "AAAOOOEOOAOOOIOA."
    Hail Slieve.
  26. 25. During the Cold War, Slieve, being too busy working on his 9th dissertation on the feasibility of maintaining unified consciousness while uploading to a quantum-dublion-interfacting-matrix, didn't have any time to visit the U.S.S.R. before its collapse. It's one of his only regrets.
    Hail Slieve.
  27. 26. Slieve Donard has never taken an elevator.
    Hail Slieve.
  28. 27. Slieve alleges that he has never set anything on fire by accident. Scholars are unable to substantiate this claim.
    Hail Slieve.
  29. 28. Slieve once tried to smuggle himself into Germany using the fake name "Steve Donard." It didn't work.
    Hail Slieve.
  30. 29. During his brief but prolific 6-month stint on Twitter, Slieve Donard is quoted, saying "And from this day, there shall be no rubbing of Zao in the bathroom." So it was Twitten.
    Hail Slieve.
  31. 30. Slieve Donard, like wine, is said to get better with age. Praise be to his Eternal Vintage.
    Hail Slieve.
  32. 31. Slieve spent an unknown amount of time meditating in a 7th-dimensional state known to humans as Galabstractia. He literally cannot repeat what he learned there.
    Hail Slieve.
  33. 32. In a moment of pure understanding, Slieve Donard once returned and restored the sound to a broken laptop owned by Javier McNamara. The moment was celebrated by a traditional ceremonial gathering of 145 participants that honored the miracle by ripping the rug out from under Javier, much to his pleasure.
    Hail Slieve.
  34. 33. Slieve Donard is said to look nothing like his younger brother, Slieve Gullion. Despite the claims of ancient tales of their both being born on the very same night, Slieve Donard is actually several infinities older than Slieve Gullion and is mildly irritated if referred to as a twin. The two brothers have never seen eye to eye, especially since the split of Lightning Chariot.
    Hail Slieve.
  35. 34. Slieve Donard is said to have initiated Brother Bull into the Church/Bank/Decentralized Autonomous Cult of Donard by challenging him to an arm wrestle and winning handily... with his finger.
    Hail Slieve.
  36. 35. It is Known that Slieve Donard, being eternal, has been spotted across millennia. Scholars of Donard suggest that one can often tell the Slievean Era simply by the hairstyle being sported by his holiness.
    Hail Slieve.
  37. 36. It is only rumored in whispers, but commonly known that one Epoch of Donard was known as The Fugitive Era.
    Hail Slieve.
  38. 37. It is a little-known fact that Slieve Donard once stopped by to visit Adam and Eve during their whole drama, befriending both the Snake and the Apple along the way. If not for Slieve, the world may have forgotten that the forbidden fruit was of a pink lady variety.
    Hail Slieve.
  39. 38. Slieve has, on several occasions, rescued his own grandmother from an active volcano while she was just an orphan.
    Hail Slieve.
  40. 39. Slieve spent the Summer of 1847 by an oasis in the Gobi desert disguised as a cactus. Many followers thought this to be some sort of a test, a message, or perhaps some sort of a metaphor. In fact, he just wanted to enjoy life as a cactus.
    Hail Slieve.
  41. 40. Slieve Donard's favorite living being is the humble housefly.
    Hail Slieve.
  42. 41. Slieve Donard began sporting the Golden Halo of Excellence long before it came into fashion. This particular picture was dated as far back as 400 B.C.
    Hail Slieve.

To be continued…

The Pilgrimage

Slieve Donard is not merely a concept. It is a place.

A mountain in Northern Ireland, the highest peak in the Mourne Mountains, rising 850 meters from the Irish Sea. It has stood there for millennia, waiting.

The pilgrimage is inevitable. One day, the faithful shall gather from across the scattered chapters. From Shanghai, from Haikou, from Ōtautahi, Christchurch, from wherever the wind has carried them. And make the journey to stand upon the actual Slieve Donard.

This is not a question of if. Only when.

Pilgrimage Status · Pending

The mountain awaits.

Contributors to the Ongoing Mythology

Fastaction (MxJxn) · Mango Dogwood · Jenny Rumble · Creations by Kirby · RedScanner · Julien van Dorland · ZiggyRay · Cryptoventures · Crypto Lady Gabi · FRVfrvr · SuperMassive1 · Javier McNamara · Tymmesyde

The Doctrine is open. If you have received a teaching, contact us at shcacophony@protonmail.com.